I recently had a meltdown with my coworker. I say meltdown because all the times I’ve tried to listen to him complain about his job (same as mine) and his salary (same as mine) and his workload (same as mine) and tried to talk sensibly about it just didn’t register with him and I finally said, “Shut the fuck up.” Actually I said it once forcefully and then when he tried to say something I yelled it quite loudly.
Because my office is really a dysfunctional family of 4, my two dads (bosses) yelled “Shut up and get back to work” and then took us to a movie (Interstellar) the next day to “smooth things over”. This is all true. No one considered talking bout the real problems or working together to find a professional answer. I tried talking to my boss about having a meeting about the project and he said sure. He said this 3 months ago and it never happened then either.
Now therapists and life coaches everywhere say there are perfectly reasonable ways to handle this situation and I’ve read through them.
Today posts an excellent article about how to work thru these problems. It exhausted me reading them.
I’ve thought long and hard about the problem.
His values are control and quality.
My values are efficiency and quality.
He wants to micromanage the project to keep control and I want to work towards a more efficient outcome.
Then our boss just says get it done and we go back to our corners and do our own thing. I finish on time and have a quality product. He finishes two weeks later with a quality product then complains that our bosses are “riding” him too hard. I listen (until the other day) and nothing changes.
His real problem is that he just bought a house and just had a kid and is sleeping 2.5 hours a night and feeling the pressure of parenthood, but he hasn’t figured that out yet.
I’m going to redouble my efforts not to scream at him (unprofessional) and stab him (illegal). My plan includes headphones and talking to the office hamster in a soothing voice. If all else fails I have found this website:
Here’s one gem:
After meeting with HR, I’ve been asked to issue an apology for the way I recently spoke to you.
Apparently you took offense to my calling you a “creeping liability” to our company that “will ultimately lead to the demise of our very livelihoods.” And that it was out of line for me to insinuate your DNA might have been compromised when your mother’s egg mistook the glaze of an apple fritter as a viable life-giving fluid. Honestly, the logic of that doesn’t even make sense. (Though it would explain why you always–always–look like you just finished eating a very messy donut.)
Specifically, I’ve been told you took umbrage with my use of the phrases “turd-like,” “butthole-ish,” and “farty brains” to describe your general essence. (By the way, I don’t know why I relied on such similar insults. I clearly had butts on the brain that day.) And though these were all stunningly accurate descriptors, I am willing to strike them from the record.
*But since no mention was made of the similar phrase “ass blob,” I reserve the right to continue inserting it into every conversation we have. Forever.
Also, that picture I drew of you having sex with the copier was probably in poor taste. I understand that no penis could reasonably be shaped just like Hitler and that it’s highly unlikely you’ve ever screamed “SCAN MY DICK PARTS HARD, YOU SLUT MACHINE” during coitus. For this, I sincerely apologize. I just assumed your typical colloquialisms transferred into the bedroom/copy room. I promise I’ll take the picture down by next month at the latest.
Oh, and though HR never actually mentioned this, I should also apologize for telling that girl in our office you’ve been wanting to ask out that I know, without a doubt, that your peep is shaped like Hitler because you frequently use it to “salute” anyone who enters the restroom after you.
That was just a butthole-ish thing to do.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a follow-up meeting with HR to attend. (Heads up: Trent gets pretty bent out of shape when you say that logistic ideas like his “are probably how the Holocaust started.”)
Sincerely (per HR’s demand),