Gay airline attendant calms your panicked hostess May 5, 2008

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I was in Chicago for the weekend. Visiting a friend and checking up on my company…I am in fact the famed Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago. Is there a problem…?

The company almost runs itself and I left on a bright beautiful Monday morning happy to know that things were well in hand. Mission accomplished…well now…where had I heard that phrase before and knew it just meant trouble? Things go smoothly in the cab ride to the airport. Smoothly through security. Maybe the terminal change from “K” to “L” explained that odd sensation I felt crawling around the back of my neck. I don’t have a fear of flying so that’s not it, so with my “gripping” mystery novel and ipod I find the aisle seat 17B and get ready for a short 2 hour trip home.

They haven’t even turned off the seat belt sign when someone brushes past me. I look up to see one of the attendants moving towards a woman about three rows up from me across the aisle. She’s already hit the “call” button. I’m about to loose interest when the woman and the attendant both begin a game of charades…just for me:

Woman: Hands make ball shape the size of a baseball then widen to the size of a grapefruit.

Attendant: Hands mimic grapefruit, then point to floor.

Woman: Lifts up her legs and points under her seat. Then looks back towards my direction and points at my feet.

Attendant: Takes 2 steps away from direction I’m sitting in and puts her hand to her throat.

“Click”. Off goes the call light. Charades is over. Now is my time to guess what they were taking about. OK…I look around for help, but no one else has seen what’s just happened. That sounds about right. I tell myself to keep with the rational thinking, as I feel that weird feeling at the back of my neck say ” I told you so”. Maybe someone dropped something and it rolled back here. But why the big step backward and the hand to the throat by the attendant? I looked back to the woman across the aisle. She was sitting cross-legged in her seat. Did I mention she was in a business suit?

Sh*t…we’ve got something loose on AA Flight 2847…something the size of a grapefruit.

I looked over at the guy next to me. He’s fast asleep, head wedged between the window and headrest. I yank my legs up keeping my shoes on. I don’t want whatever it is to make a nest in them. A quick look back confirms that something is going on. All 3 flight attendants are in a huddle. What’s loose on this plane. A mouse? A rat? A spider? I’m not super freaked out by these things, but when you get into the larger citrus sizes I begin to take note. Snakes On A Plane. Well, I didn’t see the movie, but I did see a trailer, and it looked pretty far fetched then, but right now…I’m not so sure.

Another one of the attendants brushes past me. She’s drawn the short straw and is walking point looking down each one of the aisles on the floor trying to be nonchalant. I watch her go all the way up. Nothing. She starts to come back and a woman stops her. There’s a conversation and she shakes her head, looks back at the other attendants, and back down at the woman. More words are exchanged, then she heads towards the back again. I shift my legs and lean over to see if it is under my seat. I keep imagining it crawling up over the top any minute. Sleeping beauty next to me starts to snore. Grapefruit creature will crawl up his legs first and give me a warning.

Man, what if this thing goes crawling up somebody’s leg and they freak out and open the pressure lock door like in one of those James Bond movies and we all get sucked out? I check my seat belt, just in case. My imagination is all over this now. Why do I watch those monster movies? They seemed so outrageous, but grapefruit, my mind keeps repeating.

I try to listen to the ipod and read the mystery but the only mystery I want to solve is WHAT THE F*CK IS CRAWLING AROUND THIS PLANE? I’ve got this playing over and over in my head obsessively when I hear someone lays a hand on my shoulder. I jump…I’m embarrassed.

Gay Attendant: “Would you like something to drink?”

Hostess: “Yes…but I have a question.” I blurt it out before I can stop myself.

Gay Attendant: “What would that be dear?”

Hostess: “I want to know what that woman said she saw running around on the plane. I saw the woman tell the attendant she saw something run on the floor underneath her. And make that a gin and tonic.” I made a hand gesture the size of a grapefruit. “She said to was this size.” I hold the shape for emphasis.

Gay Attendant: He started to smile then. Suddenly he understood. “Hermit crabs,” he said simply. All the while pouring drinks.

Hostess: “That’s it? I saw this woman make a gesture the size of a grapefruit.”

Gay Attendant: “Tell me about it…Anne came back with this story of something loose on the plane and the woman said it was crawling towards the back of the plane, that it was as big as that, nodding to my still outstretched hands. We had no idea what it was.”

Hostess: “So you found them? That’s how you know?”

Gay Attendant: “No,” as he handed me my drink. “Up there at the front of the plane is a kid with his mother. She told us that he brought his pet hermit crabs with him on the plane and they got loose. That’s how we know.”

Hostess: “Huh…I guess they’re not as big as grapefruit either…”

Gay Attendant: “Heaven’s no…that woman that saw something just panicked.”

Like I did, I thought, as the drink cart moved up the aisle. Sure enough, as I watched he pointed to the row where the boy and his mother were seated and I raised my glass in salute, and looked at my feet on the floor again. The plane soon landed and still no screams, still so signs of grapefruit sized or smaller hermit crabs. As I walked off, I saw that the boy and his mother were just sitting there, waiting for the rest of the plane to deboard. How much time do you commit to finding pet hermit crabs? Do they have favorite treats or toys you can use to coax them back into their cage? Part of me felt bad for the kid loosing his pets. Part of me wanted to bring butter and garlic and cook his pets and eat them with my gin.

Traveling is always taxing on my nerves.. It’s not the crashes or inclement weather that makes up my phobias…it’s the people. Whatever situation I try to prepare for…there’s always going to be something I haven’t thought of…and the human factor is going to be the cause it. Guaranteed.

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