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The setting is the old Lee Park Tire Company on the exotic shores of the Skuykill River. Only 20 minutes from the City of Brotherly Love…but love is far from my mind as I rise at dawn, eat my sugary cereal and don, not a business suit or power tie, but something far less formal to ride into battle.

My game…Survivor Conshohocken.

My competition… the three Metrosexual men I’ve worked with for no less than 10 years.

The playing field…an art studio.

And yes…I want to outwit, outlast, and just survive working to get home relatively unscathed.

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Don’t get me wrong…going to work and illustrating all day is a great job, but sometimes my co-workers…well, let’s just meet them shall we?

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Meet “Stuperman”. Newly married, Irish, and full of pep and vigor. Able to eat anything left in the fridge past a due date…way past a due date.

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Next up is “Mike-ro-manage”. I think we can all appreciate the nickname. Slated for marriage in August, he’s a true “dandy”. He will be the first to inform you that he’s been around the block a couple of times.

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This last guy…both his wife and mine have nicknamed him my “Boyfriend”. He owns dachshunds. For every dirty joke and strange thought you have…he’s got one better.

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We all work hard. We’re all accomplished artists. We all work in a very small office right on top of each other, and that makes things interesting…

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Challenge #1 is one the boys are super fond of. “Stripper Alert“. You see, our office is on the second floor, facing Seventh Heaven, a stripper joint right across the street. Locals here refer to it as “The Conshi Ballet”. All you do for “Stripper Alert” is yell “STRIPPER ALERT” really loud and then run to the bank of windows that faces the Ballet. There you will gaze at any number of women heading from the parking lot to the Ballet Stage entrance. The guys will then bang loudly on the glass trying to get the attention of said woman. 5 points for a look…10 points if she gives you the finger. I loose this game, because I do not want to bang on a window to get a stripper’s attention. I did look out the window once when my “Boyfriend’s” wife came to the office one day. Her comment was, “Hey…what’s going on down there?” I got up and to both our amazement and dismay there was a guy in the parking lot “giving himself a happy ending” in the front seat of his truck. The guys went crazy…more banging on the glass until maintenance was called and the cracked panes were replaced.

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Metrosexuals (1)…Lesbian (0)

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Challenge #2. Keeping anything you want to eat in the office out of reach of the guys. As I said “Stuperman” will eat anything…and does…especially if it’s a late night with a deadline we’re trying to meet. My boyfriend has recently turned super-freak workout guy. This means that he’s starving all the time, because he’s working out and watching his lines. My solution…hide any food, snacks, lotion, lip balm…anything I want to keep for myself behind a wall of tampons. It’s a bit strange when you see them in the fridge, but come noon and I’m hungry a cold soda and cold tampon are better than nothing at all.

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Metrosexuals (1)…Lesbian (1)

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Challenge #3. Classic name calling. This can happen at anytime. First thing in the morning, as you are leaving from a long day, or anywhere in between. It can be done verbally-loud or soft, written on a card, emailed to you, or sung in a Neil Diamond song (that particular horror happens every Friday when “Stuperman” has to play Neil’s greatest hits album). Interestingly enough although I’m the only homosexual in the office, all three of the guys call each other “fag” incessantly, never referring to my own sexuality. “Mother” jokes run rampant also…and again I seem to be immune. What I’m not vaccinated against is learning and using language that would make sailors faint dead away. This talent I seem to be equally adept in as the guys.

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This challenge is usually a draw…sometimes I win…my boyfriend in particular does not like the term “dyke” so I use it often and well. Sometimes I loose, and go home from the office with a bloody nose and scrub hard with a wire brush and have a strong drink to make the day dissolve away.

Metrosexuals (2)…Lesbian (2)

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There really is much more…like the time “Stuperman” and I paid the other two to drink a gallon of milk each in 10 minutes, but as I said it really is just too fun going to work and drawing for a living.

And so it goes day after day…a cog in the not-so-corporate wheel. Three metrosexuals and a lesbian all trying to Outwit, Outlast and just make a living.