Dear ma’am or sir,

I’m writing to inform you that I’ve read thru all Emily Post’s columns and can’t find my topic anywhere. I’ve written numerous times and think that it is a valid question, but still have not received an answer. The following is a review of the situations I queried Ms. Post about.

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Dear Ms. Post,

Recently I’ve had the bad luck to be caught in the most awkward situations…ones in which I am being asked a question or greeted when I or the other person is naked…or almost naked…or trying to get there or trying to cover up. It’s complicated…let me just describe the situations for you.

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Situation #1: Women’s locker room in the gym. Because I’m a lesbian, it might be misconstrued that I would love to see naked women in the locker room, but let me assure you that I would be horrified if anyone thought I was looking at them, so I keep to myself and struggle only to get my sports bra on. The trouble usually begins when I’m wrestling with said bra.

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At this point I usually hear someone asking me a question like, “hey, do you know if Tim is going to be teaching the spin class today?” What is the right thing to do at this point? Continue to wrestle my way into the bra? Turn around (I am in fact facing the lockers) and answer the woman, or just face the lockers and mumble something incoherently? I do in fact know two things…#1 Tim is teaching the spin class, and #2 We are the only two people in the locker room at the time.

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Situation #2: Still in the locker room at the gym.

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I have mastered the sports bra and am on to the smaller task of tying my shoelaces…my head is looking at the floor (which they could clean a little better I might add) when the voice comes from my right. “Ahhh…shoot. I picked up black underwear and have got white pants to wear! Has that ever happened to you?” Again I know 2 things, #1 No it has never happened to me, and #2 As well as being the only two people in the locker room, the person talking to me has just gotten out of the shower.

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I look up and smile. “That’s terrible”, I say. My face is the color of a firetruck. “Look” she says…and sure enough there is a pair of black underwear in one hand…the other hand is thankfully holding up a towel. “It’s not your day”…I say,still red and smiling. “Well f*ck it”, she states. “I just won’t wear any underwear.” and drops the towel and the underwear.

I nod…not really sure what to say.

Ms. Post, should I voice my approval over no underwear? Technically the black will show thru the white of the pants. Should I have just barged out without saying anything? And finally, should I say hello when I see her in the cafeteria at 12:43 when I go down to get something to eat…

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I have in fact, considered seeking professional help with the matter, but every time I get anxious it helps to picture the person naked, so I think I don’t want to talk to a therapist about thinking about her being naked…seems to be just making matters worse.

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I also realize that some people feel very comfortable with their bodies,

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and I have in fact gone group skinny dipping and have no problems getting a massage…I actually like and encourage those sort of things, but I seem to be having a trouble in these two situations. Maybe it’s the fact that only one of us is naked, and conversation is being requested…I’m really at a loss. Help in any way would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely and with all hope,

The Hostess