I’m not having fun in China anymore

Things went downhill after lunch…

The Swedish volleyball team decided to hang out at one of the gianormous shopping malls they have in Hong Kong. They’re all like a size “2″ and really tall, so they look good in all that designer stuff they’ve got going on in Hong Kong fashion.

I try my best to work out, but honestly…I looked like a veal calf standing next to them, and I couldn’t afford the designer stuff anyway, so I told them I’d be back in an hour. First I went to a store selling those little masks that everyone wears, so you don’t get sick. The entire store was filled ceiling to floor with them. Different colors, patterns, animals…you name it, they had it. Weird thing was everyone in the store had one on. The patrons, the sales people…everyone. Made me feel like I was just about to be wheeled into an operating room, so I left. I did buy you one with Labradors on it…if I ever get home you can wear it when you get a cold.

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I then wandered over to a store that was selling super hip teenager clothes. I was fascinated with a new trend they were showing. Sheer skirts…very sheer skirts. Look, I took some quick pics with the camera phone to prove I wasn’t lying.

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At that point the sales clerks came over and asked me to leave.

Maybe it was the “god fillet” I had for lunch, maybe it was the idea that I needed to have one of those little masks…whatever it was, I was beginning to get a little queasy. So I went in search of the bathrooms. Big surprise. They don’t tell you about this stuff in the guide books. First of all, the signs confused the hell out of me. This is the sign above the toilet.

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And this was the toilet.

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Took me a while to “maneuver” through the experience. You have to squat. I’m sorry , but I really can’t go on anymore about the experience…

By the time the god fillet and I had parted ways, it was way past time I got back to the Volleyball team. I ran as fast as I could back to the designer shop, but they were long gone. They had left me. I was stuck in the mall with no way of getting back to the Swedish volleyball team’s hotel room. Like I said yesterday about staying with the girls another night… None of us meant to knock over one of the lamps during the pillow fight…but when the coach came in…man, I don’t speak any Swedish, but I could read the look on her face as she looked at me and the broken lamp. I had really worn out my welcome with that woman.

Well, that brings you up to the present. I’m in one of those internet cafes, looking at a couple of brochures I picked up from an information booth. There are a couple of hotels in the area, but I don’t have much cash left. The cash I do have, I won from a friendly game of poker with the Swedish girls.

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The names…I know…lost in translation again. Wish me luck. I promise to stay somewhere safe.

Love,

Your Hostess

Chinese food with the volleyball team

Hi honey…I’m still in China. You know how I always say how much I like Chinese food? Well, Chinese food is different in China. There are burger joints, but I’m trying to be adventurous. They do have something called “Carl’s” here…I saw this commercial for it on the tv last night. Pretty damn gay if you ask me…

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Me and the Swedish volleyball team stopped at this place to eat lunch. To tell you the truth, I think there’s something missing in the translation of some of these menus

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I finally found this entree that sounded interesting. Tasted like chicken…sort of

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Bad news though. I have to find another place to stay. The coach came in last night when we were being loud during a pillow fight and said I couldn’t stay another night. Too disruptive to the team’s “practice”. We’re checking out other places now…the girls feel bad and are being real pals.

Love,

Your Hostess

Hi honey it’s me…I’m in China

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First of all, I’d just like to say that I’m fine…here in China…and that you were right, and I was wrong. Those women were not, as I thought a troupe of traveling circus performers. I’m pretty sure they were the Olympic shot-put team from Russia. It’s really kind of funny if you think about it. You telling me to take a “slow boat to China” and then leaving me there in the neighborhood pub. Well…here’s what happened after you left:

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The group of girls and I were all trying to understand each other…my Russian coming from reading bottles of vodka and their English coming from reading Pottery Barn catalogs. A friendly bunch, we were all taking turns buying drinks, and when I started to hand one of the bartenders money, one of the ladies grabbed my arm. I assumed it was because she thought it was her turn to buy, but then she started to feel my arm up and down and then all the girls started doing it. The Russian talk was going pretty fast, but I figured since everybody was taking their turn touching me, I was just going to enjoy the attention by the ladies. Well, pretty soon the tallest of the comrades grabbed my shoulder and we all went out to their rental car. The tall one popped the trunk, and there sat a couple of what I supposed were cannon balls.

More Russian talk, and the tall one grabbed one of the things and hoisted it up on her shoulder. She gave a mighty push and the thing flew out of her hand and across the street, right into one of those big wire trashcans. I turned around just in time to have the second cannonball thrust into my arms. She looked at me then pointed to the trashcan. OK…I get the picture…this was going to be a contest. You know I’m not that much of a competitor, but we’d been drinking and I liked the girls fondling, my arms so I set that puppy up on my shoulders and hoisted with all my might. Well, the thing went straight up in the air then straight down on my head. My knees buckled, and the last thing I heard before everything went black, was people from the pub coming out yelling at that the Russians had killed me.

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All I can figure is that they thought they had also, and they panicked and needed a quick getaway, because the next time I opened my eyes it was dark and cold and I could hear engines…jet engines. I thought it might be a good time to black out again, so I did. Next time I came to I was in kind of a bag being tossed around in the back of a car. The engine stopped and I was hauled out. I started kicking with all my might and thump, the bag dropped. I undid the zipper and as I sat up saw two little Asian kids running as fast as they could away from me and the bag. Seems they paid these two kids to get rid of the evidence by throwing me in the South China Sea…well I wasn’t going to wait around for them to finish the job, so I ran. I ran hard and fast into downtown Hong Kong…right into more Olympic athletes. This time it was the Swedish Women’s Volleyball team, taking in the sights of of the city. I ran smack dab into the captain, who apologized even though it was my fault, and asked if I would take the team’s picture.

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I said sure, and then they noticed that I had a giant knot on my head and really didn’t look all that well. I quickly…much more quickly than here…told them all that had befallen me, and they took pity on me and said I could crash at their hotel. Seems that the Swedish know just as much about first aid as I do, so they wrapped my head in gauze and gave me some aspirin with complementary champagne from the room to wash it down. So that’s it…one of the girls has let me use her computer, and I’m just writing to say I’m OK…just in Hong Kong, crashing on the hotel couch of the women’s Swedish volleyball team until I can figure out how I’m going to get back home. I’ll write more soon…right now, my head’s pounding and I just want to get some sleep.

Love,

Your Hostess