1. Listen to the guy in the suit call seven people to tell them he’s on the train and he’s very busy.
2. Wonder where the guy with no shoes and three coats on buys his whiskey…because it must be strong fo you to smell it five rows back.
3. Shop for a watch.
I’m usually high on life, or at least caffeine as I commute to work in the morning. I don’t want anyone to bother me, and I do the same. But every once in a while, I’ll get behind someone that decides that the world is their ashtray or garbage can, and because I drive an old convertible…it concerns me.
So…to the woman with the big glasses and bigger sense of entitlement driving the faun-colored Mercury Marquis with the New Jersey license plate…
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I have an obsession with Richard Simmons. Not unlike the terrible car crashes we can’t stop looking at, I cannot stop being amazed by Richard Simmons. Did you know he’s not gay?
Simmons was born Milton Teagle Simmons on July 12, 1948 in New Orleans, Louisiana, and was raised in the French Quarter. He was an overweight child, weighing 268 pounds at the time of his high school graduation. Simmons eventually went on a crash diet and lost 123 lb as a young adult. During an appearance on The Tonight Show and during other various media appearances, Simmons claimed that much of his hair fell out due to losing weight in an unhealthy manner. Simmons later had hair transplants, moving some of his own hair from the back of his head to the front.
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123 lbs? That, ladies and gentlemen, is an incredible feat.
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He moved to Los Angeles in the 1970s and worked as the maître d’ at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. He became interested in fitness, but was dissatisfied with the unhealthy fad diet methods and established gyms and exercise studios which, at the time, favored the already fit customer. Simmons later opened his own exercise studio, originally called The Anatomy Asylum, he emphasized the importance of healthy eating in proper portions and enjoyable exercise…for everyone…gay or straight (like himself).
So he becomes this fitness expert who promotes weight-loss programs…and gets lots of airtime. He cranks out the videos: remember the Sweatin’ to the Oldies series? In my opinion, he was the weight loss infomercial inventor, hawking videos and food plans such as The Deal-A-Meal program and FoodMover. He’s a sensation…because his videos actually have the people who want (need) to loose weight featured on them. Brilliant! Downside? If I were to be a fitness guru and have this incredible body, the last outfit I would choose to wear is the one that Richard has been wearing for the past thirty years. Did I mention he’s not gay?
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Trainwreck…pure and simple. And I cannot stop looking. Seemed that others couldn’t stop either…
Richard drew national attention after an appearance on the TV show Real People during which he was shown at work and introducing customers who he had helped to lose weight. Simmons parlayed his Real People appearance into a recurring role on the soap opera General Hospital, where he played himself. This exposure led to further media focus, as well as personal appearances in shopping malls, where he taught exercise classes. For a time in the early 1980s, Simmons had a fairly successful talk show, The Richard Simmons Show, where he focused on personal health, fitness, exercise, and healthy cooking.
Simmons has appeared as himself on numerous TV shows over the years, including Whose Line Is It Anyway?, CHiPs, and Saturday Night Live. His appearance on Whose Line Is It Anyway? is famous for how unbelievably gay straight Richard was during his appearance, as one can clearly see in the clip below:
In his 1999 autobiography, Still Hungry After All These Years: My Story, Simmons admitted that he had an Barbie Doll collection as a child. Knock-knock…who’s there? Richard Simmons is not gay.
It has not always been easy for Richard and his fame.
He was often a guest on the David Letterman Show. However, on November 22, 2000, Simmons had a falling out. Richard (while dressed as a turkey) was sprayed in the face by Letterman with a fire extinguisher after he grabbed Letterman as if to hug or kiss him, causing him to have a severe asthma attack. Richard did not return to the show for six years.
Richards had more public trouble on March 24, 2004. Simmons was arrested and charged with assault after slapping Chris Farney, a motorcycle salesman, at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. Farney had spotted Simmons in the crowd and said, “Look, Richard Simmons! Drop your bags, let’s rock to the ’50s.” Simmons replied, “It’s not nice to make fun of people with issues,” then lightly slapped Farney’s face. An embarrassed Farney called the police, despite not having suffered any injuries. All charges against Simmons were dropped. Obviously Farney has issues with gay overweight people…
Even though Simmons has amassed a large personal fortune from his weight loss empire (possibly in excess of $100 million), he still holds tight to his wardrobe and his sexuality. Instead of melting into the folds of obscurity he has worn his tight shorts and tank top proudly, even though it makes most of us cringe. He’s making a point, I think, that you should be proud of who you are, fat or thin, gay or straight (like himself), and I admire that…I just get a little confused with all that glitter during the presentation, but I cannot for one instant avert my eyes.
(AP) President Bush declared progress in the Iraq war Thursday, saying terrorists “are on the run” and a generally improved security environment should permit further U.S. troop reductions.Standing on the Colonnade outside the Oval Office of the White House, Bush also announced that effective Thursday, the duration of troop tours in Iraq will be cut from 15 months to 12 months.
Bush said this reduction “will relieve the burden on our forces and it will make life easier for our wonderful military families.”
The president’s updated report on Iraq was delivered on short notice to the White House press corps and it came with the war in its sixth year and violence on the ground substantially decreased in recent weeks. (article)
…because everyone buys it for the articles.
