I’d like to officially say that I didn’t get Mama Mia. It’s a musical set in Greece, with an Italian title and songs from ABBA. From the very beginning I was doomed. While everyone else wanted to see this, I had voted for The Lion King with Julie Tamor’s incredible costumes…or The Blue Men with their “I don’t get it” music…or anything with Cole Porter writing the songs. “It’s supposed to be great!” my Pollyanna girlfriend said. Everyone agreed…except me. Unfortunately at that point I talked myself into going because I like disco ABBA…so I had this idea that it would be campy disco…just like ABBA. Boy was I wrong. “Why are they in Greece?” I kept thinking…”Mama Mia makes me think it should be in Italy?” “Where are the disco outfits?”…and so on and so on. Then at the very end of the saccharin sweet thing, they do all put on the ABBA outfits…but it’s way too late for me. I’ve gone into the lobby to shoot myself.

Since then,  my girlfriend has delighted me with a surprise of Spamalot, even though she’s never seen one of the million showings of all the Monty Python movies that go on in our house. So I feel better…but Mamma Mia still sits in theaters everywhere sponging up space so I can’t see Young Frankenstein.

It’s not that I’m lazy and can’t get to Manhattan…it’s just that I spend a lot of money when I’m there. We have to stay overnight…at some great hotel where I can use all the towels and sit around in the plush terry robe watching HBO all night. I have to eat also…at some great restaurant…right now I’m eyeing Nirvana, an Indian restaurant with a great view of Central Park, or Lucky Chengs, in the Village…it’s a drag queen cabaret-like Medieval Times but everyone’s in sequins instead of armor.

So please do me a favor, Philly. Stop saying that Mama Mia’s a great musical…because it’s not. Guys and Dolls is a great musical-Mama Mia is a platform for straight middle-aged housewives that are going through a midlife crisis. Let’s get some new blood in town…Young Frankenstein. I’ve read reviews…they weren’t that great…but I’ll take my chances.

Really, I should just go on a binge and write a musical myself: a lesbian musical.

Personal Best: The Musical

Xena, Singing-Warrior Princess

Bound: A Dark Musical Adaptation

All these would be great hooks…except that stereotypically it’s the gay guys that are the Show Tunes fanatics. OK…how about the Sound of Music, but with Marylin Manson as the lead? NO? How about Guys and Dolls, but the “guys” and the “dolls” don’t date each other…maybe Guys and Guys and Dolls and Dolls. You’re right? Too long a title. How about a Westside Story, with the “Jets” being a gay guy gang and the “Sharks” being a lesbian gang? Wait…again the problem of mixing the sexes…wow, this is harder than I thought.

How about a musical with an Irish name, set in Australia with music from the BeeGees?  Can’t Keep O’Good Man DownUnder. With lots of drag queens and lesbians, and a big finale underwater on the Great Barrier Reef-with fighting like in that James Bond movie where they all have harpoon guns-Yeah!!!!!

I’m gonna start drinking and start writing…any ideas, just fire away…I’m sure we can write them into this blockbuster musical hitting theaters summer 2009.