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Pope Says You'll Get into Heaven Faster if You Follow Him on Twitter

Jezebel: Catholics who click on to the pope’s Twitter feed on Catholic World Youth Day — a week-long event* that starts on July 22 — will gets an “indulgence”, which is basically a get out of purgatory free card. The more you get, the faster you get the heck out of that hell-ish hole and straight up to the big dog’s ice cream social in the sky.

Of course, like everything in life, there are SOME strings attached. Proclaimeth Vatican’s Archbishop Claudio Maria Celli:

You can’t obtain indulgences like getting a coffee from a vending machine. What really counts is that the tweets the Pope sends from Brazil or the photos of the Catholic World Youth Day that go up on Pinterest produce authentic spiritual fruit in the hearts of everyone.

But what if you’re not Catholic???!!! Fear not. I have the answer…


I WILL GIVE YOU UNICORNS THAT YOU CAN RIDE OUT OF HELL!!!

Just imagine the look on Satan’s face as you ride by, flashing a brilliant and triumphant smile. He will immediately check his iPhone (obviously the Prince of Darkness has an iPhone) and check your Twitter account. He will see that you recently retweeted a picture I took of my dog chasing our cat and shake his fist skyward.

You have defeated him. With your new unicorn. You’re welcome.

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One Comment

  1. As a child in Catholic grade school, I was so happy to find out that you could buy your way out of burning for eternity.


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