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I’ve been on a quest for the Holy Grail of Lesbians for a very long time. It’s the quest for the perfect lesbian movie, and it is a daunting task.

When I started my quest I watched everything, and I mean everything that was available. These movies were sappy and trite but I soaked them up because that was the only thing out there and I was young. It was horrible and I often found myself watching John Waters flicks to cleanse my palate.

As I have grown older I’ve continued my task, and Last Friday I watched the latest in a long line of “lesbian” films that have come along.

“Blue Is the Warmest Color”.

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It was the end of a long work week and all I wanted to do was relax and escape. I popped in the DVD and sat down in anticipation. From the beginning I knew I was in trouble. The first scene was clearly set in a European town. “Oh God”, I thought. “Tell me this thing isn’t in another language.” The second scene was a classroom with everyone speaking French. “Please let them be in French class…please let them be in French class.” And then popped up the subtitles.

“Damn. All I wanted to do is relax and now I’m going to have to work at this.” My only saving grace is that “art” films are supposed to be good…

This one was not…

The film jumped between  an After School Special and Porn. There was absolutely no transition. One minute you were watching this high school girl being teased for being gay and in the next, two women were going at it like fighting puppies in a burlap sack. Speaking of dogs, during one of the sex scenes my Labrador Retriever walked up to the screen, cocked her head and let out a bark. Even she didn’t think there was animal magnetism happening.

There was no sound track.

The only music was tunes being played in two bars. One men’s gay bar. One women’s gay bar. Every single shot in those bars consisted of couples tongue kissing. It was actually hotter than the barking-dog sex scene.

There were numerous scenes with people eating. Everyone talked with their mouths full of food. It is one of the things I hate most in life, but I had to watch the screen because my French sucks and I had to know what there were saying. Actually that’s not true. There was no real plot or if I had to say there was a plot it was just me and my girlfriend’s life in French. Artist meets girl. Artist takes girl to museum. Artist sketches girl. Cliche and boring…

The sad part is that I kept thinking that this film would turn the corner. There would eventually be some twist or turn or something redeeming that would make me think, “Not bad…” For three hours. THREE HOURS. I sat there hoping this would happen. It did not.

At the end credits I was numb. All I wanted to do is flip the channel and watch something in English. Anything. It didn’t matter. I had just chewed on a bad, foreign, lesbian movie pistachio for three hours and I needed to wash out my mental palate with good clean water.

It was a set back for sure. This film was trumped up and touted as a great lesbian flick. Great sex scenes! So European! God it sucked.

To get back in the swing of things I plan on watching “Bound” and “The Hunger” back to back this next weekend. These two classic movies  just so happen to have plots, good music and some great lesbian sex scenes…

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4 Comments

  1. Two things, first sub-titles. I have seen some great movies with sub-titles, however they give me a pounding headache. Especially when they put white sub-titles over a white background. Secondly, how come in movies every time they show a gay bar, even in movies directed by gay directors, there are always go-go boys and people are all engaged in a near orgy? The bar I go to is just a bunch of guys playing darts, watching sports on the fifty television screens, and lesbians playing pool. Nobody is trying to massage another guy’s tonsils with his tongue. Sorry you can’t find that perfect lesbian movie Hostess. I already found my favorite gay movie, Mysterious Skin.

    • I see us drinking into the wee hours ranting about these things…

      • Too much drinking and the wee hours really become wee hours. Prostates are so troublesome as you age. I have to get up every two hours to ‘wee’ if I drink too much.

  2. Oh, I know your misery! The best scene for years was in the THE HUNGER, with Catherine DeNeuve and Susan Sarandon. Not a lesbian movie per se but an historic sex scene, certainly. In Lesbian movies it’s as if they just want to take the whole screen time work up to a kiss for crying out loud. Ridiculous!


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