Straight, Gay Service Members Looking Forward To Asking, Telling Come September

 

TheOnion: With Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the policy on gay men and women serving in the military, set to expire Sept. 20, tens of thousands of U.S. service members are reportedly busy gearing up for marathon sessions of asking and telling. “Finally, after years of being silent about my sexual orientation, I can get all this built-up telling out of my system,” Cpl. Kevin Lassally said Thursday, telling reporters he had already made an exhaustive mental inventory of all the people he was going to ask. “I think I’ll probably send out a bulk e-mail to get my telling over with all at once. That way, I can free up most of my time for asking. Man, this is gonna be great. I’m totally asking the colonel.” Pentagon officials said they have canceled two planned invasions in anticipation of the military slowdown expected to occur while troops are getting all their asking and telling out of the way.

Transplanted lesbian Texan sports fan finds comfort in crappy bathroom makeover. Poop joke at 11.

I’ve been in Philly for 14 years, but I was born in Texas. Texans will always tell you that, by the way.

I was very gung ho about a possible Rangers/Phillies World Series but that dream when the way of the dodo…like most of my dreams.

I had another fantasy also–that the Cowboys might actually run deep into the playoffs this year: Tony Romo’s collarbone didn’t help, but it was obvious they weren’t getting it done before that.

I’m left with hockey and basketball…load the bullet in the gun–cue click click click sound.

…but then I ran across this picture:

Winter is coming and my girlfriend is talking about remodeling something in the house. I’m sending her this picture now. You laugh, but she thinks “we” can do it ourselves, which translates to me being the hired help. I’m halfway there…

Most Unusual Names For Pets Include “Badonkadonk” And “Cleocatra”

Jezebel: A pet insurance company has released a couple lists of the most unusual pet names, which leads us to ask: in the age old dog vs. cat debate, who wins this round? Molly Mcboozehound or Optimus Pants?

Detached penis goes missing, now most likely on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven down on Second Avenue near St Mark’s Place

Gothamist: A poster says: “Lost penis sculpture. Last seen on February 4th, 2010 around 1 a.m. on display during the art show BYOA at X Initiative located on 548 W 22nd St. The art piece is a life size realistic sculpture of the artist’s penis and testicles made out of resin and beard hair. There were four Mark Billy penises on display but only one peach colored one went missing.” Well, we know where he can get another one on the cheap. You can get a closer look at the missing sculpture, and its friends, here. Meanwhile, the artist is so distraught he hasn’t even Twittered about it.

140-year-old hot dog was a hoax. I feel so betrayed. Someone hold me

MetroUK: The hot dog was believed to have been found encased in ice underneath Feltman’s Kitchen in The Bronx, surviving under there for 140 years.

Feltman’s Kitchen is a restaurant that used to be owned by the inventor of the ‘Coney Island hot dog’.

But the New York Post revealed that it was all a big prank organised by the History Project “to get publicity for their exhibition of real artefacts from Feltman’s site.”