I have recently been obsessed with hair. On any given morning you can find me with a pair of tweezers plucking out stray hairs anywhere I find them.
This morning I found a long, white one sticking out like a horn from my left eyebrow. Last week I plucked a giant gap in my right eyebrow trying to get out a short, brown hair that was as wiry as a small terrier. I call these errant follicles “Genius Hairs”.
I find them at dinner and worry with them until my girlfriend begs me to stop. I mark the location and then head directly to the nearest bathroom. Tweezers and fingernail clippers are essentials on any vacation and will probably end up in my work satchel soon.
Last month I had a black hair sticking out my nose. I grabbed it with the tweezers and yanked. The pain was excruciating and my eyes watered for 5 minutes afterward. Last week I stared at my girlfriend’s head until she let me pluck one lone gray hair out of her head. She doesn’t dye her hair. I do.
I’ve been dyeing it since I was 30. When I dyed it then, it was cool colors like red and blue and green. Now I dye it brown. It’s not working. I look just like Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four.
I spent an hour in the bathroom a while back. I was bobbing my head and picking out individual gray hairs to pluck out. My girlfriend had to come in and tell me to stop. She pointed out that if I plucked out all the gray hairs on my head, I’d be bald.
She was right.
I seem to be in a war with middle age and I am not happy about it. I can no longer eat whatever I want. I have to constantly exercise so I will still fit into my summer shorts, and now I have different color hairs growing in places I don’t want.
I know where the next battleground will be. My crotch.
I small sad part of me understands that I will be sitting on the toilet and I will see a gray hair and I will freak out. If my tweezers are handy I will pluck myself until my nether region looks like the smooth blowhole of a dolphin. I can only hope my girlfriend will find it sexy, because while I might win that battle, I am surely losing the war.